How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
