alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
