Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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