so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
