If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
