I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize