I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
