He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
