Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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