noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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