I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think my vagina is haunted
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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