you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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