Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Enjoy the penises
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
