I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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