He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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