I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
