Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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