Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Operation Purity has been aborted
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
