I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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