I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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