If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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