we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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