Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
