I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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