dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
