you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
