No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
