So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
