Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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