Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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