peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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