listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
