I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
