Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
