haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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