too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
