It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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