I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
