I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
