I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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