Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
