I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Randomize
