I just threw up on my dentist
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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