Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
