I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
