I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
