you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
