i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
