It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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