the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
