you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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