I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
