Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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