This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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