meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
