i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
