Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
