i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
How external is "for external use only"?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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