the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
