I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
