The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
